This Girl…

So there’s this girl.

see
the first thing I noticed about this girl
was how her laugh could light up the darkest rooms
how her heart was riddled with scars from a life lived
and yet she still found every reason she could
to smile

she was a girl who loved the color cerulean
and the blissful taste of tiramisu

she loved the warmth of a dirty chai latte
usually late in the afternoon
and sometimes
maybe a little close to bed

but of all the things
that drew me to this girl
this woman
maybe
it was how she teased my love of Red Bull Spritzers
or the night she tormented me with Jason Voorhees memes
until she was sure I’d have no chance of falling asleep

Perhaps it was all of our, “Sweet Dreams”
Or the time she called me, “Baby”

Maybe it was our late night conversations
that would only end
moments before we’d fall asleep
wrapped in warm blankets
of butterflies and optimistic
love of the future

Every heart emoji and smiley face
was a spiking hammer
laying railroad tracks
on the dried and broken soil
of my soul
with a one way destination
into the deepest depths
of my darkened heart

I was lost in her

This woman hates Karaoke
and the times I called her “Dog Mom”

she was weary of me
clearly unsure of my intentions
but curious enough
to be reckless enough
to show me how beautiful her soul really was

She was sweet to me

But, you see

sometimes
we get drunk

we get drunk
off the attention
and the affections
of those who will let it flow

because in those moments
you never stop to ask
the scariest question of being alone

“Why am I here?”

because
the answer is clear when you hear her laugh
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be…”

you don’t even understand the question anymore
because for that moment in time
you forget the fear
and the emptiness
of being alone
with a broken heart

You see
I’m an ENFJ

I’ve been told that means
that somehow
it takes both too much
and too little
for me to feel alright

It means that
I’m always a little too obsessed
with looking for
the smile
in her words

you see

when I feel uncertain
I fall to madness

because the silence is
somehow worse
than anything
that might actually be wrong

what the fuck sense
does that make

Sometimes

people make us feel good
for a while
and then the other aspects of our lives
pull us away

the space created
the empty time
the missed opportunities
ripped my heart apart

It was falling asleep
not having heard your voice today
and seeing you around
while feeling like an invisible ghost
at a party you threw
that somehow
you forgot
to invite me to

It was feeling like
I was waiting around
hoping that
maybe that
you’d remember
that
I
exist

to go from a moment
when you feel like
someone wants you
and you feel like
you’re the most important part of someone’s day
to realizing that
some things change

I broke…

you can’t make someone love you
and responding
with the cruelty of your pain
has never helped anyone

Its selfish to believe
that I should be
the center of your world
every moment
of every day

I want you
to be happy

and at the end of the day

I need you to be happy
and I always have

and I guess
it’s always been about
what I need

I hope you can
forgive me someday
for being so sensitive

And I hope you meet someone
whose maybe
a little less selfish
than me


Published by John Onyx

A poet of the lost, the found, and the in-between. Iā€™m interested in collaborating with photographers, musicians, and videographers on larger projects. Feel free to email me at me@johnonyx.com if interested!

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