Watercolor Chaos

-Audio Player-

I have always loved
recklessly

the shadows
in the streets.

For there’s a comfort
loving outlines
owned by strangers
I will never meet….

I spend a lot of time
chasing all the dreams
I’ve never had,

because

I need to believe
there is a reason

that I keep picking roses
with burning hands.

I need to believe
that I don’t love
how it feels
to fall in love

more

than I could
ever
love you.

My life
is a reckless dance
of reds, yellows, and blues

swinging wildly
from impulse
to passion

feeding frenzied
like a vampire
to sweetest blood.

My intentions
are shelled
in articulate words

and bent by poetic honesty
to a point
that I forget their face.

When I saw your eyes
in my heart,

I saw the impossible odds
a mile away;

But

the truth is…

I love
how it feels
to lose,

because pinching skin
no longer wakes me
from the nightmare
of what I’ve done;

and deep down

I want to be punished
for who I am…

My chaos gives you reason
to forgive me

I want to hear you
forgive me

because I’ll never hear
the forgiveness in my own voice.

I paint myself
the protagonist
in this watercolor novel
of greys and tears

claiming slavery
to the cancerous chaos
that lines the honesty
and omission
in every word.

Yet, I sleep peacefully
knowing that I’ve doomed us both,

and that’s probably
what I hate most
about myself.

I asked your heart to hold still
so I could paint you in my dreams;

knowing all along,
that I love the way
watercolor runs in the rain.

Please…

Never ask me
if I painted you
the way you truly were,

because all I have left
are the origami memories
torn from all these unfinished poems
about us.

I bent our love
into all the shapes
I thought might fit
the keyhole of my chains,

but windy days
blow me astray

and the discarded figurines
of our love
grow lost
in the sands of time.

Chaos
takes me once again
to dance the dance
of painted dreams
that will one day fade.

And if my chaos abandons me
who will I have left to blame?

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Published by John Onyx

A poet of the lost, the found, and the in-between. I’m interested in collaborating with photographers, musicians, and videographers on larger projects. Feel free to email me at me@johnonyx.com if interested!

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