Miss

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I made
a lot
of mistakes

and did
all the things
they say
you shouldn’t do

I called you
beautiful
a few
too many times

I said
“I miss you”
a bit more often
than is advised

I let you
cry
on the phone to me
when you
struggled
to find the love
hidden
in your mother’s
sharp words

I let you
be imperfect
and still
I gave you
too much of myself

but the worst
of it
was

I showed you
how broken
I was

I showed you
how much
I needed you
to need me

I showed you
how scared I was
when I felt you
pulling away

I said “sorry”
too many times
because
I was so afraid
of losing you

you probably think
I’m so weak

but let’s be honest
I am

a life of fighting
has made me this way

as hard
as that might be
to understand

constant loss
makes you desperate
to hold on
to anything real
that you can
believe in

Because to lose
and lose
and lose
and lose
is exhausting
to a soul

that is
already tired
from telling itself
“it’s okay.”
“you’re doing your best.”
“it’s going to get better”

I don’t connect well
with people

I told you this

but the first time
i heard you laugh
there was nothing
I could do
but
to know you

and I’m glad I did
for all the moments
you made me feel
like I was worthy
of your time

it meant a lot to me

I like to think
maybe you’ve
met someone new

and that
you’re happy now
without me

its not
your fault
that I
so freely
hand
this hollowed heart
to strangers

you were
significant
to me

but I can’t be
upset with you

I know

I made
a lot
of mistakes

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Published by John Onyx

A poet of the lost, the found, and the in-between. Iā€™m interested in collaborating with photographers, musicians, and videographers on larger projects. Feel free to email me at me@johnonyx.com if interested!

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