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When you died
I couldn’t breathe…
and as kind
as everyone
was trying
to be
man
I wished they’d just
shut
the fuck
up
No
I’m not doing
particularly
well
and I’m sorry
that you’re sorry
for my loss, thanks
you know what
let me put that on a post-it note
and I’ll wear it on my chest
like a name tag from an AA meeting
I attended right before
a three day bender
of dance clubs and house parties
where blackouts carried me
to mornings of shattered glass
and cigarette drenched
suit jackets
You see
I was trying
to move on
I was trying
to function
I was trying
to forget…
I was trying
anything I could
to hold my shit
together
but every detail
in the sidewalk
and every line
in a stranger’s smile
were riddled
with sad reminders
that you were gone
and you were
never
coming back.
I looked in the mirror
and my sadness
smiled back at me
reminding me
how hard
we fought
to survive…
I caved in lockers
with bloody fists
hoping the pain
might set me free
from seeing
that man
pinning
your throat
to the wall
while I watched
paralyzed
and powerless
a small child
in a batman cloak
who can’t believe in superheroes
because no one
has ever tried
to save him.
I had no idea
that the last time we talked on the phone
would be the last time
I’d ever get to say
goodnight
Mamma Bear…
and that’s when it hit me
the truth I so careful refused…
give up…
I’ll never be able move on…
because moving on isn’t the point…
this was always meant
to be a part of me
the good and the bad
your love was the rain
that taught me
to see shattered souls
beyond wounded walls
and to find
the buried truth
in my own labyrinth
of glass
I am still alive
and
it’s okay
to be a little fucked up
it’s okay
to fall apart
it’s okay
to scream
and to shatter
into a million pieces
because
sometimes
you have to let the sadness take you
to the times in your life
where love and happiness live
this love never died
it’s yours forever
and it wants you
to learn to breathe again
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