Mamma Bear

When you died

I couldn’t breathe…

and as kind
as everyone
was trying
to be

man
I wished they’d just
shut
the fuck
up

No
I’m not doing
particularly
well

and I’m sorry
that you’re sorry
for my loss, thanks

you know what

let me put that on a post-it note

and I’ll wear it on my chest
like a name tag from an AA meeting
I attended right before
a three day bender
of dance clubs and house parties

where blackouts carried me
to mornings of shattered glass
and cigarette drenched
suit jackets

You see

I was trying
to move on

I was trying
to function

I was trying
to forget…

I was trying
anything I could
to hold my shit
together

but every detail
in the sidewalk

and every line
in a stranger’s smile

were riddled
with sad reminders
that you were gone

and you were
never

coming back.

I looked in the mirror
and my sadness
smiled back at me

reminding me

how hard
we fought

to survive…

I caved in lockers
with bloody fists

hoping the pain
might set me free
from seeing

that man

pinning
your throat
to the wall

while I watched
paralyzed
and powerless

a small child
in a batman cloak

who can’t believe in superheroes

because no one

has ever tried
to save him.

I had no idea

that the last time we talked on the phone
would be the last time
I’d ever get to say

goodnight
Mamma Bear…

and that’s when it hit me

the truth I so careful refused…

give up…

I’ll never be able move on…

because moving on isn’t the point…

this was always meant
to be a part of me

the good and the bad
your love was the rain
that taught me
to see shattered souls
beyond wounded walls

and to find
the buried truth

in my own labyrinth
of glass

I am still alive

and

it’s okay
to be a little fucked up

it’s okay
to fall apart

it’s okay
to scream

and to shatter
into a million pieces

because

sometimes

you have to let the sadness take you
to the times in your life
where love and happiness live

this love never died

it’s yours forever

and it wants you
to learn to breathe again

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